Can I get a witness to the bruises and the wasted tears. You could dry a river with your heart of stone..
My heart is smashed into smithereens. Yes, maybe I’m exaggerating but I am very certain that I have been in pain for a long time already. All the things you will never know and things I never told you. It hurts so much that I told my mother while I’m crying like a baby. I cry while I’m crossing the road. I even cry while I’m waiting in line at McDonald’s. I cry while eating. I cry when I look at myself in the mirror. I cry before I go to sleep. When I wake up, my eyes are already filled with tears, you haunt me even in my dreams. You are way beneath my skin and the darkest places of my heart. You are like a curse I could not escape. You will never know how excruciating this pain is and I bet you wouldn’t even care. How could that even be possible when you blindly broke my heart as if it did not matter. All these things I want to tell you but I know you would not want to hear. You are my sunshine, my one and only love. You made me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please, don’t take my sunshine away..
I’m sorry I took your precious freedom. I’m sorry if I have hurt you without me knowing it. I’m sorry I forced you to things you don’t want. I’m sorry I always do things for you without a second thought. I’m sorry if I act like your mother, I just don’t want you to catch a bad cold. And that I’ve always wanted what’s best for you. I’m sorry if I held you too tight. I’m sorry I loved you too much.
I love you so much more than you will ever know. And I don’t know if I could ever say it to you again. I never want to, but I love you enough to let you go.
I love you so much, it hurts..
I dreamt of you last night
We were having dinner
Just like the usual
Sitting face-to-face, talking
You shared a few stories
And I stared and listen
I believe I heard you
I think I felt you there
Or held your gaze on mine
It hurt so badly
I thought it was real
Woke up disillusioned
With false hope and with grief
And I said to myself,
At least I’m not as sad
As I used to be
When I saw you texting her, I walked out the door and you did not run after me. I saw your eyes glisten and the smile on your face. But the conscienceless sight of you makes me sick. That night I already knew what I have put myself in. And the idea of constantly competing with your self-proclaimed first love is a really pathetic proposition. I asked you if still love her and you said no, which I’ve been trying so hard to believe.
You have no idea how many stupid times I have felt so insecure. I have been blaming and beating myself up for a bunch of silly things. All my doubts and anxieties which I thought was a product of my own insufficiency. I have felt needy and dependent, which is not really a part of my character. But then I realize, it was all your fault. You made me feel less than who I really am. You always tell me I’m the only one, but you act otherwise. All these self-loath is mainly because of how badly you treat me.
Remember those times when I caught you lie and cheat. And that night I found out you had dinner with her even if you insisted you’d never hurt me again. All those times that you wasted for when I thought you have a chance. Each and then, I felt like losing faith. It’s just hard to believe when you’re being constantly lied to. I am so damned by your excuses. Even if you don’t tell me, I always find out. You can never hide anything because you have taught me how. And I have known you so well.
I hope you felt the pain you have caused me when you said thank you for everything, and that you have no regrets in us. I can still hear myself sounding so pathetic telling you that if we ever part ways—I could never be the girl you remember to have loved. I would just be the girl who stood there beside you. The girl who was always there for you and the girl who gave you tons of chances everytime you fuck up. The girl who can never seem to let you go.
I am through asking you to change and begging you to stay. Because if I really am that damn important to you, you should have treated me better. I am done feeling so confused and all these days of pitying myself. I have decided not to depend my worth on anyone. And I am now giving the chance to myself, a chance to see my own light.
I know I’m also a part of this, but I will try my best not to be so selfish at times. We both have issues with ourselves. And the thing that lacks us is honesty, and the courage to be. Because you know what they say, the truth will set you free.
I write for those women who do not speak
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your
Door have been silenced forevermore
And the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row;
It seems farther than ever before
I need you so much closer
The photo was taken the day we officially left our home for a few semesters. I could still see its reflection in our eyes. This could cause a lot of changes and to be honest, it scares me.
Room 827 was bare witness to tons of memories. First months, birthday surprises, holidays, Valentine’s Day, and even the special moments in regular days. We felt invincible in those months.
We may not be too far apart but seeing each other could be a battle. Seeing you everyday could turn into not seeing you at all. For a week, perhaps. I would be back again to walking the streets alone before and after classes. No one to relieve me from a stressful day in school.
I will miss waking up next to you. And maybe I should start getting used to sleeping alone again. No more daily breakfast or brunch. And I guess, I won’t be waiting anymore ‘til 9pm for us to have dinner. Even though I hated it, I would still trade early supper alone for it.
No more midnight walks and quarrels where to eat. Our late night conversations over cup noodles or hot chocolate replay over and over in my head. And let’s not forget movie nights and figuring out who “The Mother” is. Funny how she was revealed a week ago, I guess that’s the end of it. I won’t be there to nag you to please stop watching One Piece already.
And.I never realize how much it sucks ‘til I made this post. Ugh.
Maybe it’s time to close that chapter and make new ones. We will never be as young as we were then. But for now, that chapter would always be my favorite.